i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
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