I'm going to rape someone's good day.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Randomize
