she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
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