Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
i've alrwady decidided boys hate me plkease take notyes.
what
nvm
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Randomize
