Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
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