i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Randomize
