gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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