:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Randomize
