On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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