he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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