If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
