Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Someone shattered a urinal.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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