There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
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