I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
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