Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
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