She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
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