About tomorrow. if it dosent fit dont force it. Just pushit as far as you can and i'll wiggle the rest of the way
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
