I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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