I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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