I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
i don't plan on having that self control this summer
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Randomize
