Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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