she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
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