I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
