If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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