I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
I love having hate sex.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
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