I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
