grandma shit on top of the toilet
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
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