got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
Actions speak louder than pants.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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