All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Randomize