1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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