I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
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