So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
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