why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
