if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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