Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
