I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
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