where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Randomize
