I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
he puts the penis in happiness.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Randomize
