I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
Randomize
