yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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