The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Randomize
