I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
