He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
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