she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
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