I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
