yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
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