The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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