Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
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