I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
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