It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
