Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
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