Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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