Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Randomize
