even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
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