Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
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