if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Randomize
