I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Randomize
