Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
