My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
false alarm. still invincible.
love makes seman taste better
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Randomize
